If you really knew me...

I've been watching that new show called if you really knew me. It's actually a pretty good show. I've cried my eyes out both episodes. Multiple times. It's also been making me think a lot about myself and the way I treat people, and the way I judge them, and how they may look at me. Let's just say I don't like the image I've created for myself. My friends tell me that I'm "the artsy different girl that doesn't care what other people think about her." Haha. I can tell you, if you really knew me, you wouldn't trust that. I'm one of those people that can change my image every school year, and no one would question me. In elementary school, I was (in order) a girly girl, a tomboy, a goth, a skater, a loner, an outsider, and now the whole artsy-doesn't-care, blah blah blah. So if I were any of my friends, I'd be giving me a stern talking to. It's not about the cliques I fit into, it's about the cliques I don't fit into. All those stereotypes I was (beginning with tomboy) were what everyone in my classes weren't. I do strive to be different, I'll admit. Sometimes I think I try to hard. And I've kept a little of all those labels in me since then.
And if you really knew me, you'd know I don't trust anyone. Not my friends, not my family, no one. Not even me. There are some thoughts that come into my brain, and I push them out as soon as they enter because I don't want to know what will happen if I have those thoughts again, or something. I have my closest friends, even my best friend who's had the best friend title since fifth grade, fooled into believing that I trust her with my life. I suffer from abandonment issues. I was adopted, and for what reason I was given away is unknown, I don't want to be just left again. I don't want anyone to just ditch me, for someone better, or because I just wasn't good enough or something.
I don't trust my family. I am not one of those people that can tell their parents they are their best friends, There are definitely things I don't tell my parents, because 1) I am horrible with talking out my feelings, and 2) I don't want them sending me to counseling or something. I've been to counseling before, and it's not the funnest thing in the world, cuz like I said, I'm not good with words. (audibly at least. cuz as you can see, I usually have a lot to say on this blog.) Sometimes I'll admit, I have contemplated cutting, running away, and suicide. But then I figure, that's stupid. I mean, I guess in comparison, my life and struggles are a joke to people who have real problems. It's not like my parents fight, or have drug or alcohol issues, it's not like my best friend has died, or I live in a town with gangs and gang violence. It's not like I'm homeless or struggling just to get food on the table. Nope. all my issues are self-inflicted, and stuff I should handle on my own.
Gosh, I'm sorry if you actually read this far, sorry if I sound like a freak, sorry if you feel like you wasted your time.... But hey, if you did read this far, thanks.

^Maile^